If you are currently in an abusive relationship, or are now safe and recovering from abuse, this experience is a journey that has many levels of healing. For me, writing was an outlet to keep myself sane after I was out of my marriage. As a single parent, with a young daughter who was seriously affected by her parents' divorce, because she didn't understand "why" (because I protected her along the way), it pained me not to tell her the truth, and I knew it would pain her if I did. After all, she was only seven years old when I left him. How could she possibly understand?
Three years after the divorce, I wrote a poem about this conflict within me. For those of you who have been abused, and have children caught in the middle of the divorce, I think you will understand what I wrote. I'm not posting this for sympathy. I am posting it for those of you who might need to understand, but mostly for those of you who need to know that you are not alone. We are part of a club we'd rather not belong to, but we can move forward with love and forgiveness.
Three years after the divorce, I wrote a poem about this conflict within me. For those of you who have been abused, and have children caught in the middle of the divorce, I think you will understand what I wrote. I'm not posting this for sympathy. I am posting it for those of you who might need to understand, but mostly for those of you who need to know that you are not alone. We are part of a club we'd rather not belong to, but we can move forward with love and forgiveness.
Because of You
By Summer Bacon
July 8, 2000
7:47pm
Because of you
I don’t cry anymore.
Because of you
I hardly mention his name.
I don’t tell what I know,
because I love you.
And I would never hurt you.
Because of you.
Because you love unconditionally.
And you love me.
And you love him too.
Because of you, I can’t even tell the truth.
Of the hurt.
Of the pain.
Of the lies.
Of the strangling in the night.
Of the time he threatened to kill us.
Of the time he threw me down.
And you were there.
Inside of me.
My baby.
Down.
On the floor.
Inside of me.
And I held you as best I could.
Inside of me.
You were…
You are my world.
And, because of you,
I can’t even tell you the truth.
Not now.
Maybe never.
Because you’re not ready.
Because you can’t understand.
Because you are so little.
And so free.
And still so believing
In absolute love.
Because of you, I want to die.
I feel your sorrow,
your pain.
And I know that you don’t…
that you can’t…
understand.
Because of you I try to be a better person.
I try to feel compassion for a man I can’t trust.
I try to forgive a man who is not worthy of my forgiveness.
Because of you I try not to hurt.
Because if I show you that I hurt, you will hurt too…
but you still won’t understand.
Why I left.
Why I divorced.
Why I had to.
Why.
Why you.
You are the most precious person I know.
And, I wonder if you know that,
or if you will ever believe it.
How you helped me through the pain.
How you made me laugh
when he made me cry.
How you gave me hope
when I gave up.
How it was always you
that inspired me to stay alive
when I wanted so often to die.
Like now.
It would be…
It would have been so easy.
Except for you.
Because of you I am still here.
Because of you I look away
when people in town stare.
Because of you I don’t even try
to correct the lies that he tells about me.
I just live my life as purely,
as simply as I can.
Because of you.
I can endure the loss.
Because of you,
I have known love.
Love pure
and simple
and real
and right.
Because of you.
And when they talk about me,
and when they lie,
and when they judge,
and when they gossip…
because of you, I don’t give up.
I wake up.
I work.
I play.
I see the light.
I find the inspiration.
That is you.
You are my light…
pure and real.
You. My baby girl.
Because of you,
I have found God in my darkness.
Because of you,
I have found my fate to be worthwhile.
Because of you,
I have come to know me.
The love that I am.
The love that all of life is.
Because of you.
My angel baby.
My joy baby.
The mama's baby girl.
I love you.
And, because of you,
I cry.
By Summer Bacon
July 8, 2000
7:47pm
Because of you
I don’t cry anymore.
Because of you
I hardly mention his name.
I don’t tell what I know,
because I love you.
And I would never hurt you.
Because of you.
Because you love unconditionally.
And you love me.
And you love him too.
Because of you, I can’t even tell the truth.
Of the hurt.
Of the pain.
Of the lies.
Of the strangling in the night.
Of the time he threatened to kill us.
Of the time he threw me down.
And you were there.
Inside of me.
My baby.
Down.
On the floor.
Inside of me.
And I held you as best I could.
Inside of me.
You were…
You are my world.
And, because of you,
I can’t even tell you the truth.
Not now.
Maybe never.
Because you’re not ready.
Because you can’t understand.
Because you are so little.
And so free.
And still so believing
In absolute love.
Because of you, I want to die.
I feel your sorrow,
your pain.
And I know that you don’t…
that you can’t…
understand.
Because of you I try to be a better person.
I try to feel compassion for a man I can’t trust.
I try to forgive a man who is not worthy of my forgiveness.
Because of you I try not to hurt.
Because if I show you that I hurt, you will hurt too…
but you still won’t understand.
Why I left.
Why I divorced.
Why I had to.
Why.
Why you.
You are the most precious person I know.
And, I wonder if you know that,
or if you will ever believe it.
How you helped me through the pain.
How you made me laugh
when he made me cry.
How you gave me hope
when I gave up.
How it was always you
that inspired me to stay alive
when I wanted so often to die.
Like now.
It would be…
It would have been so easy.
Except for you.
Because of you I am still here.
Because of you I look away
when people in town stare.
Because of you I don’t even try
to correct the lies that he tells about me.
I just live my life as purely,
as simply as I can.
Because of you.
I can endure the loss.
Because of you,
I have known love.
Love pure
and simple
and real
and right.
Because of you.
And when they talk about me,
and when they lie,
and when they judge,
and when they gossip…
because of you, I don’t give up.
I wake up.
I work.
I play.
I see the light.
I find the inspiration.
That is you.
You are my light…
pure and real.
You. My baby girl.
Because of you,
I have found God in my darkness.
Because of you,
I have found my fate to be worthwhile.
Because of you,
I have come to know me.
The love that I am.
The love that all of life is.
Because of you.
My angel baby.
My joy baby.
The mama's baby girl.
I love you.
And, because of you,
I cry.
