Shew. So, I kinda, sorta took off the month of July at the urging of Spirit, after I did the July 4 Dr. Peebles Speaks session.
I'm so used to sharing with and caring for others, I was nearly in despair being alone with myself, with nothing on my schedule except boxes to unpack, kitties to feed, food to make, and a house to clean. Take time off? Oh Lord, how boring! And, frankly, there were many days in July that I thought I'd be better off dead, because I felt dead inside.
Being alone wasn't the hardest part, as I've spent an inordinate amount of time alone over the years. However, not having someone to care for after twelve years of caregiving, and years before that of being a single parent to two daughters, was just so...weird, and horribly lonely. And, now I was supposed to take time off from channeling, and counseling, and teaching! My life felt devoid of purpose. Thank goodness for my kitties who at least yowled their displeasure if I wasn't out of bed at their beck and call at 5:00am!
I looked high and low, inside and and outside of myself for answers to, "Who am I?" and "What's next for me?" and couldn't find a thing. I kept trying to force myself to find pleasure in reading, or made poor attempts at writing (my first love). I tried to meditate, only to jump up to do a load of laundry, or feel the sudden urge to break down packing boxes and take them to the recycling center.
I strangely, and surprisingly, discovered that I am really good with plants. I grew tomatoes, basil, tarragon, peppers, flowers, and gorgeous Money Trees with rather amazing results. I soon realized that gardening was another form of caregiving. And, here I am, the gal who allows a spirit to speak through her, and does ghost busting, has had physical encounters with aliens, but all of my life I have been entirely skeptical about talking to plants! But, as I soon discovered I was not only able to talk to plants (and really enjoyed it, because they are great listeners), but that they actually talked back and would tell me when to water them and fertilize them, well, wow, that was just weird. And, incredibly wonderful.
So, lots of weird stuff in July until about a week ago, when I finally discovered something about myself that I guess I've known all along, just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. I clicked my red ruby slippers three times, and realized that I was trying to take time off and do nothing, when I suddenly realized that what I really wanted was to do something. I like being busy and engaging with life, whether it's doing my spiritual work, watching Hallmark and swooning, feeding my kitties, or browsing the grocery store and talking to Chuck in the meat department (yup, his name is Chuck, haha!). When I tried to disconnect from my life, who I am, it was agonizing. I discovered that I prefer thinking to not thinking, feeling to not feeling, and I prefer being out of body at night helping others than getting a "good night's rest." I prefer a stay-cation to a vacation. I get up early, and go to bed early. I'm not broken. There's nothing to fix! There's no place like home, and home is where my heart is. It's as simple as that.
I spent the month of July trying to press the reset button on my life, and I discovered that there was nothing to reset. There was just me to remember. "Oh! There I am!"